8/9/12

Dropping the *F* Bomb

While I was away on vacation, I jotted a few notes down about various topics that struck my interest.

Here's a quickie of our itinerary:
--drive from Tulsa to Orlando--2 days--LOTS of togetherness
--3 nights at Universal's Portofino Hotel
--6 nights at Disney's Beach Resort Hotel
--2 nights at Sand Key hotel (on Gulf of Mexico, near Clearwater Beach)
--drive to Seaside beach, near Destin--8 hours
--2 nights at Watercolor Inn
--drive home--15 hours

I think that was about right. I didn't keep notes for everything. That would have been a little too much like 'working' and not 'playing'.

Back to topic: F Bombs

When most people hear the term F Bombs, they immediately think of the naughty word. I'm not talking about the gratuitous use of foul language here, and actually, I'm very happy to report that I didn't hear any of that on my trip. Well, I did hear a few firefighters playing beach volleyball who stopped mid-sentence when families strolled past them to the beach. I might have had my deaf filter on my ear, but that's okay.

My friends, I'm talking FART BOMBS here.

Look, I know all mammals fart. Everyone farts. Heck, my dog farts more than anyone I know! It's a natural process when the normal bacterial flora of the gut breaks down certain products, producing gasses. But have a little common courtesy when you do need to fart.

Do NOT:
  • fart in a big long line/slow ride where there is ZERO air circulation or actual movement--this happened at least three times. Puh-leeze! Do it ON the rollercoaster, not in line!
  • fart when a large group of people enter the STAR TOURS simulator and they shut the darn doors--Trust me, it puts a damper on the experience.
  • fart where people are exiting a restaurant--to give the dude credit, he did walk to an area that was reserved for strollers to drop his bomb. BUT when he walked past us AFTERWARDS, he could have said "Excuse me" or something, since he knew we heard him!
  • fart before vacating an elevator--yep, people do this
  • fart in the car of three people and then pretend you didn't fart. Yeah, the kidlet was doing this on the way to FL, but after our other 'experiences' she would tell us to roll down the window first.
Do:
  • fart in the bathroom--that's kind of expected, you know.
  • fart away from crowds if you can or while moving. Squeeking it out is better than blasting it out. JMHO.
And if all else fails, go to the Despicable Me--Minion Mayhem ride at Universal Studios Florida where Dr. Nefario invented the fart gun, but the girls changed it to smell like bananas. Yep, it drove the minions crazy!

Later, peeps!

7 comments:

Jody Werner said...

You're assuming people can choose when and where they want to fart. They can't!

M. A. Golla said...

I will disagree with you on this, Jody. I do it all the time. All it takes is a little practice.

Human adults CAN control their flatulence. Just pinch that sphinter closed and it will retreat to ferment a little longer.

Heck, we've even trained the kid to hold her farts until a more appropriate location.

And holding it isn't necessarily the most comfortable thing in the world, but it is possible.

Marilyn said...

Thank you for this public service announcement.

M. A. Golla said...

Sorry--it had to be said.

Besides:
Middle grade writer = potty humor
:-)

Jody Werner said...

We'll agree to disagree on this one. Oh, and you might want to avoid riding in the car with me after I've had mexican food.

There's too many other things I have to work too hard to control. I prefer to let my fart flag fly :)

Nancy said...

So silly! But, my mom taught me a long time ago to take deep breaths through your nose( it can be done quietly) and that usually helps to hold it until a better time or location. 2 or 3 will do and this has worked for me a good 50 years! It's not hard to try.

M. A. Golla said...

So glad to know there is an actual technique, Nancy! Thanks for sharing! :-P